Spike Milligan Quotes

( A dose of Spike Milligan )

Excerpt from Goon Show The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler of Bexhill-On-Seafirst broadcast October 12 1954.

Henry Crun: It's much too dark to see, strike a light.

Seagoon: Not allowed in blackout.

Minnie Bannister: Strike a dark light.

Seagoon: No madam! Madam we daren't. Why, only twenty eight miles across the Channel, the Germans are watching this coast.

Henry Crun: Don't you be a silly pilly policeman.

Minnie Bannister: Bravo Henry.

Henry Crun: Pittle Poo.

Minnie Bannister: Pittle Poo. They can't see a match being struck.

Seagoon: Oh, all right.

FX: [Striking match - bomb whistle - explosion]

Seagoon: Any questions?

Henry Crun: Yes, where are my legs?

Minnie Bannister: Where are my legs?

Seagoon: Now are you aware of the danger of German long range guns?

Henry Crun: Mnk ahh I have it! I've got it, I've got the answer. Just by chance I happen to have on me a box of German matches.

Seagoon: Wonderful! Strike one. Ha, they won't dare fire at their own matches.

Henry Crun: Of course not. Now...

Henry Crun: ...Curse... The British, the British!!!

Seagoon: We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it, so we waited for dawn, and there, in the light of the morning sun, we saw what had struck Miss Bannister. It was... A batter pudding!

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.


Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.


The British Army works like this - If you hang a man and he dies, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.


Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.


I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.


Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

FX: [Sound of two gunshots]

Bentine: He's dead.


You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.


I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.


FX: various noises of clocks chiming, cuckoos, chickens, tubular bells, etc.

Bluebottle: What time is it Eccles?

Eccles: Err, just a minute. I've got it written down here on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.

Bluebottle: Then why do you carry it around with you, Eccles?

Eccles: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.

Bluebottle: Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...

Eccles: What is it fellow?

Bluebottle: It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.

Eccles: I know that my good fellow. That's right. When I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.

Bluebottle: Well then, supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?

Eccles: Then I don't show it to them.

Bluebottle: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?

Eccles: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!


Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?


The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men.
His case comes up next week.


Fortunately for us folks, a bare ten miles away, the US 6th cavalry were in the area. And a bare ten miles in America is equal to three fully-clothed miles in France!


Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.

Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.

Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.


I'm a hero with coward's legs.


For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.


Bluebottle: Eccles, I'm wearing this new cologne. They say it attracts women like flies.

Eccles: Oh, I wondered why all the women looked like flies!


Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.


When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts


Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.

The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.

Seagoon: Don't worry, We've brought one with us.


Said Hamlet to Ophelia
"I'll draw a sketch of thee;
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?"


Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently.


Bloodnok: You with the zink cardigan, are you English?

Seagoon: Only by descent.

Bloodnok: By descent?

Seagoon: I came down by parachute!


In the darkness we sat huddled on the fiendish Chinese river-steamer, the silence broken only by the sound of the silence being broken.


Minnie: You can't shoot elephants in England.

Crun: Mnk? Why not?

Minnie: They're out of season.

Crun: Does this mean we'll have to have pelican for dinner again?

Minnie: Yes, I'm afraid so.

Crun: Then I'll risk it, I'll shoot an elephant out of season.

Announcer: Listeners who are listening will, of course, realise that Minnie and Henry are talking rubbish - as erudite people will realise, there are no elephants in Sussex. They are only found in Kent North on a straight line drawn between two points thus making it the shortest distance.


Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.


It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.


Grytpype-Thynne: (The Batter Pudding Hurler) has made a fool of the police.

Seagoon: I disagree - we were fools long before he came along.


I woke up this morning and I was still alive, so I am pretty cheerful.


His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.


Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?

Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!


Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.


We can't stand about here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen.


Seagoon: Here's the plan of attack.

Eccles: Looks like a nail.

Seagoon: No, it's a tack.


My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.


All men are cremated equal.


Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.


Grytpype-Thynne: Neddy, how would you like £40,000?

Seagoon: In money.

Grytpype-Thynne: Gad, you drive a hard bargain.


If you kill me, I promise you will never take me alive!


Moriarty: You have stolen my dentures! I challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapon!

Grytpype-Thynne: TEETH!

Moriarty: Aaargh, I've lost!

- ookalong bang bang - everything is broken -